How to Talk to Someone About Religion

To talk with someone about religion, ask because you are curious, speak only for yourself, and let them describe their faith in their own words. Aim to understand, not to win. The aim of a good conversation is that each of you leaves knowing the other better, even if neither of you has changed your mind.

Three rules worth starting with

The theologian Krister Stendahl offered three rules for understanding another religion in 1985, and they remain the most quoted advice on the subject. In brief:

To understand a religion, ask the people who follow it, not its critics.
Do not compare the best of your tradition with the worst of theirs.
Leave room for “holy envy”: be willing to admire something in another faith that you wish yours had.

How to start the conversation

Ask first. “Would you be open to telling me about your faith? No pressure if not.” Faith can be private, and a person can say no.
Go first if you can. Sharing something true about yourself makes it safer for them to do the same.
Start with experience, not doctrine. What someone lives is easier to talk about than what a tradition officially holds.
Listen to the end. Do not spend their answer preparing yours.
Say what you heard. “So for you, fasting is more about gratitude than rules?” It shows you listened, and lets them correct you.

Good questions to ask someone about their religion

What does your faith mean to you day to day?
What did you grow up with, and has your view changed?
Is there a teaching or a verse you keep coming back to? Why that one?
What do people most often get wrong about your tradition?
What part of it do you find hard?
What gives you the most comfort when life goes badly?
What do you hope people like me would understand?

What to avoid

Trying to convert them, or hinting that you hope they will come around.
Asking them to speak for everyone. One Muslim or Catholic does not represent a billion others.
Opening with the hardest topic. Start with what matters to the person, not with a headline.
Debating to win. Leonard Swidler’s rules for dialogue begin from the idea that you are there to learn.
Pretending you agree. Respect does not require it. “I see this differently” is a complete sentence.

How to find common ground with someone

Common ground tends to show up when you talk about what you care about instead of what you believe. Two people who disagree about God may both be trying to raise kind children, care for a dying parent or forgive someone. Try this:

Name something that matters to you, and ask what matters to them.
When you hear an overlap, say it out loud as a question: “Would it be fair to say we both think this?”
Let them correct the wording until it is true for both of you.
Leave the differences standing. You do not need to resolve them.

That last sequence is the method behind Universal Ground, where two people write down one sentence they both stand behind.

Why the setting matters

Simply seeing other views does not reliably help. In a 2018 study, Republicans paid to follow a liberal Twitter bot for a month became more conservative. Democrats following a conservative bot shifted slightly more liberal, although that change was not statistically significant. Contact research points the other way when people meet as equals around a shared goal, which is why a private conversation may work when a public argument does not. See what a reverse echo chamber is.

Common questions

Is it rude to ask someone about their religion?

It depends on how and when. Asking with real curiosity, in private, and making it easy to decline is usually welcome. Asking in order to argue, or in front of others, often is not.

How do you ask someone what their religion is?

Give a reason and leave them room: I am curious about how you see this, do you mind if I ask whether faith is part of your life? Accept whatever answer you get, including none.

How do you show respect for other religions?

Ask people who practice it, use the names they use, follow the customs of a place when you visit, and avoid comparing your tradition at its best to theirs at its worst.

Should you talk about religion at work?

Be careful. Colleagues may not be free to walk away, and workplaces often have policies. Let the other person opt in, and keep it about understanding each other.

What if the conversation gets heated?

Slow down, say what you heard, and ask whether they want to continue. You can always stop, and ending kindly does not mean you lost.

How to talk to someone about religion